Athothis : a satire on modern medicine / by Thomas C. Minor.
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this patient's body in vital action, you are so utterly ig- norant as to the phenomena exhibited, that you are un- able to make a correct diagnosis. Seeing the disease, you can not assign a cause for the malady. Come, an- swer me ! What ails this man?" " "Tis true, I can not answer immediately," responded the doctor; "I must arouse the patient and subject him to a physical and oral examination. He must relate his symptoms and throw some light on his own case. If he had small-pox, measles, scarlatina, mumps, diphtheria, and many other affections that flesh is heir to, I could make my diagnosis by a simple glance." " So could any old woman after the disease is fully de- veloped ! " retorted Athothis. " But let us suppose that this patient is an infant unable to answer your queries intelligently. How would you determine the nature of the malady in the absence of marked symptoms ? " " Well! well! ah ! ah ! " stammered Paulus Andro- cydes, in evident confusion, " I should study the expres- sion of his face, the actions of the body, note the condition of eyes, tongue, pulse, and excretions, auscul- tate and percuss, inquire into the family history, and then prescribe." "Without making a diagnosis? " asked Athothis. " Well! ah ! ah ! well! " exclaimed the doctor petu- lantly, " of course I could not clearly determine the nature of the case unless the disease was fully developed, but I would pretend to know all about it, and, in pre- scribing medicine, should select some remedy that ex- perience has taught me to be good in cases which had exhibited similar symptoms. For instance, the physicians called into the case now under observation prescribed a hypodermic injection of morphine. I know this drug to